Well, Well.

I’ve really gotten sidetracked, haven’t I? I’ve definitely seen some films since The Fall and I’d love to have said something about them, only I forgot. Whoops.

I’ve been busy between work and school. And now this month is NaNoWriMo, which I’m trying to do. But I’m seriously not done with this site, or the podcast.

Seriously.

It’s tough working out how to move forward. I don’t recall how specific I’ve been on this blog, because I don’t want to be dramatic, or drag anyone’s name or reputation through the mud. Adam and I had a falling out, though. I’m over the righteous anger phase, and am on to the passive, indifferent, practical one. It’s time to move forward. It’s not a matter of feelings, but a matter of: I want to keep podcasting.

And, I think, I want to reach way back in time to when I had bigger ambitions of podcasting. I’d like to buy some lavaliere mics and make some more interesting audio projects. I’m not saying I’ve got the time for it, but I’d like to. I still mean for Candid Podcast to be a brand and not just a domain name.

As for the original show, GBU, I’d like to move forward. I think I threw a little tantrum a few entries back about whether it belonged to me in part or in whole. And it’s not as if anyone’s challenged me. Adam never came to me and said “you can’t do the show.” I’m just the sort of person who imagines conflict and tries to head it off at all costs.

But facts are facts, anyhow. The idea to podcast was mine, as was the decision to buy $1500 worth of hardware (and later replace a computer for this purpose). The bill for hosting was mine, as was the recording space. Every edit was mine. The music was always on loan from Tech, god bless him. Adam came up with the name, and paid a very talented friend to create the beautiful podcast art. And not to diminish those contributions, but I’ll be moving forward with the name and replacing the art.

My house is something of a disaster right now, and it’s to be seen just when I can reassemble a recording space. Actually, I had done earlier this year, and I was very excited, but when I sat down with Jon and Sara, only two mics were working. This could have been a software problem. We didn’t investigate further and no subsequent attempts at recording the show have been made.

But I’ll be honest with you. It’s almost Christmastime and I would love to make another GBU Christmas Miracle show happen. Our very first show ever published was a Christmas show, and released on Christmas day if I recall, because I swore I would get it out in time to be relevant. I still remember that show warmly, even if it was a technical hodgepodge. In fact, I have loved all of our holiday-themed episodes.

I’ll try to keep posting on here. I’ll try and get some more text reviews written. Going forward, the new model for the show will be that I am the host and all other participants are guest co-hosts. This isn’t a spiteful thing, but me trying to simplify. Everything will be easier when I can dictate every aspect of the show without any pretense of it being owned in any part by anyone else.

I love podcasting. I’ve thought several times this year of giving it up, and I can’t stand the thought of it. It’s the sort of sad thought one has over a drink, or while lying awake in bed and wondering about the future. Would it be better to simply sell the hardware and call it a day? I could probably get some decent money for the FocusRite, and I could really use it, too. But I can’t. I just can’t do it. I don’t want to stop podcasting, even if I haven’t done a good job prioritizing it in my life. I’m trying to get my priorities straight lately.

I’ll get personal here, and not that you asked, but I’ve had depression my whole life. ADD, too. I’m a perfectionist, a procrastinator, and am too ready to serve the short-term goal reward center in my brain. I spend too much time doing nothing important, then bemoan how little time I have. But this year, building on the years before it, I’ve been doing better. Living a better life. I’ve been getting to bed earlier, and waking up earlier, too. I’ve been spending my time and money a little more wisely. I’ve been back to school and finding out I’ve got the capacity to take even more classes if I make the mature decision to do so. Incidentally, I’ve registered for one more class than I had been for next semester.

I’m trying to make the right, healthy changes. And one of those, I hope, will be getting back to podcasting, which was something that always made me feel happy and creatively fulfilled.

Stay tuned.

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