Gratitudeposting

How do I avoid phrasing this as an apology? There is some very convincing brainfarts burbling deep down, none of which sounds very attractive as a Complete Thought One Can Be Proud To Share Online, all arguing against apologizing. They go something like:

“As compelling an argument exists that the modern internet is a mistake, as exists that God’s humanity are a fallen species,” and,

“Performativity is a cancer killing the modern internet, and retarding human social skills,” and,

“You have no one to apologize to, especially for the way you, a man rapidly approaching his 40s, have been living.”

So I won’t apologize. I’ll say something else. I will resist the urge.

I have been away for a while, haven’t I? I have been very busy. It has been almost entirely the business of Good Things. The trouble is, I have had neither the time, nor the space in my house, to record a podcast in all this business.

I was promoted this past year. A couple times. I’m so grateful for that. It has enabled me to feel more like a man in this country which is so effortless in its movements to beat you down and keep you down. As I said to Emily last night, the most common thread of my life, the thing of which I have likely done the most, has been to fail. Getting promoted, being made Very Important to some other Very Important People, and getting a bit of extra money for my trouble, as well as something Very Important to put on my CV has been so heartening, and I wouldn’t do anything different. It has also been exhausting, though.

Added to the exhaustion is the fact that last January, I started back to college (as if I ever left) for a Bachelor’s Degree in a very challenging field. What’s more: this is at a self-paced online school, meaning that in every moment that I am not working on school, I am potentially wasting time (and by extension, money). This means that every day, when I leave work, I must come home and balance in my few remaining hours (before what is meant to be a full night’s sleep), housekeeping, errands, and time spent with loved ones. Leisure rarely comes for its own sake; oftentimes it is scheduled (or else there would be none at all) and so even leisure often feels like an obligation. The thing I’ve been missing is a sense of liberty. I have been a slave to my calendar and its endless stream of obligations.

I returned to school in 2017, and but for maybe a semester, I have been in school ever since. I took nearly twice the typical time to get an Associate’s Degree, then I started another in a different field before reneging that goal and pivoting to this Bachelor’s Degree. I am very tired.

But I am also grateful. As I said: the thing I am best at is failure. The thing I struggle with the most is persistence. So, to be in school, in my mid-thirties, doing it, getting a Bachelor’s Degree…I am grateful and proud. I’m proud to be seen doing it. I’m proud to prove wrong the voice in my head which spent my life telling me I couldn’t do it (or anything). I’m proud to prove right the chorus of loved ones, friends, associates, teachers and well-wishers who always told me I could. I’m terribly grateful for the opportunity, and the promise. But I am very tired.

And there is just no time or space in my house for podcasting.

I’ve never missed a Christmas show before this year, if you excuse the first year after Adam and I had a 3-year falling-out. I was disappointed. But if I’m honest, I was so overwhelmed by life that it was fairly easy to let it go without beating myself up. There is no point in agonizing over it. There simply isn’t time. And the stuff I was doing–relaxing for a month after getting a certification I spent 5 months studying for, and spending time with family at the holidays–is stuff I do not regret and wouldn’t apologize for if anyone asked. My moms and I were going to do a show about my favorite Christmas film, but it didn’t happen. And that’s all right. Maybe next year.

I had other stuff going on, too. I was preparing to propose to my girlfriend. Excuse me, I should say: my fiance. She said yes.

I’ve had opinions about movies, in the meantime. You can follow me on Letterboxd. Some recent reviews (of varying length and quality) include: The Shop Around the Corner, Skinamarink, Secretary, The Lego Batman Movie, Gurren Lagann the Movie: Childhood’s End, Saltburn, Pride & Prejudice (2005), Gremlins, A Muppet Christmas Carol, Death on the Nile, It’s a Wonderful Life (again), Murder on the Orient Express, Almost Christmas (Again), The Quiet Girl; Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri; Room for Rent, Amélie, Raising Arizona, The Tender Bar, Thunder Road (again), The Holdovers, The Banshees of Inisherin (again), My Girl, SLC Punk, The Exorcist: Believer, Silent Hill, Freaks (again), Pearl, X, The Wailing, The Shining (again), Don’t Think Twice, A Haunting in Venice, and Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.

I’ve also had opinions about the future of the show. Stay tuned. But your preview is that you shouldn’t expect it to disappear. It may evolve. But I don’t expect it to go away.

Thank you, if you made it here to read this. It likely means you missed the show. It warms my heart deeply that anyone feels that way. To you and yours, I hope you have a wonderful day.